Most caregivers you hire will never ask your parent for money. The ones who do rarely start with a large request. It usually starts with a small gift, a loan of twenty dollars for a fuel fill-up, a card left on the counter for groceries that never gets fully accounted for, or a parent who says the caregiver is 'like family' and has been helping with the bills. One event tells you little. A pattern written down over several weeks tells you a great deal. This guide gives you the record to keep, the lines to check, and the points where you stop and get outside help.

Local option: New Plan Care gives families in the St. Louis area in-home help so a parent can stay home: companionship, help with bathing and dressing, meals, and overnight care. Call (314) 405-0887.

Step 1: Write down who controls the money before the first shift

  1. List every account your parent uses: checking, savings, any credit card, any bill-pay login, and any cash kept in the house.
  2. For each account, write who is named on it or who has the password, card, or checkbook. Include family members, the parent, and anyone already in the house.
  3. Write where the parent's mail goes and who opens it. Note whether any statements arrive by email and to whose inbox.
  4. Write the parent's normal monthly bills and who pays each one. This is your baseline. A change from the baseline is what you are looking for.

Ask the bank for the list of authorized signers and any online access on the account. Write the answer on the sheet. Do not wait for a problem to ask.

Step 2: Put the gift rule in writing before anyone starts

Ask the agency, or the independent caregiver, these questions and write the answers in the blanks:

  1. Does your policy allow a caregiver to accept gifts, cash, or loans from a client? Answer: ____________________
  2. Can a caregiver be added to any account, card, or online login? Answer: ____________________
  3. Can a caregiver be named in a will, a beneficiary form, or a power of attorney? Answer: ____________________
  4. Who reviews a complaint about money, and how do I reach that person? Answer: ____________________

A reputable agency should be able to answer these in writing. If the answer is only spoken, ask for it in the agreement or in a short email you can keep.

Step 3: Keep a weekly money line

Use one sheet and add an entry each week. Keep it plain. Do not write conclusions, only what happened.

Gift or cash given to caregiver, by whom and what: ____________________

Card used for a caregiver errand, receipt kept (yes or no): ____________________

Loan requested or made, amount and reason given: ____________________

Anything the parent says about someone helping with money: ____________________

Bill or statement that did not arrive, or was paid late: ____________________

Request to drive the parent's car for personal use, or to use the parent's card for a personal purchase: ____________________

What to look for on the statements

Compare the bank statement to your sheet once a month. Look for withdrawals or transfers your parent cannot explain, purchases at stores the parent does not use, checks written to a name you do not recognize, and any new account or card the parent did not open. Also look for the opposite: bills that stop being paid, which can mean the money is going somewhere else.

When to stop and get help

Act at once if any of these happen:

  • The caregiver or agency asks to be added to an account, card, or login.
  • The parent cannot explain a withdrawal and the caregiver is the one who was there when it happened.
  • A document turns up that names the caregiver as a beneficiary, owner, or signer.
  • The agency or caregiver will not put the gift rule in writing, or refuses to answer the questions in Step 2.
  • Your parent asks you not to look at the accounts or says the money is being handled by a friend.

Do not confront the caregiver with the sheet first. Take the sheet to the bank's fraud or customer service desk, to your parent's doctor if the parent's ability to manage money is in question, and to a lawyer who handles elder matters. The lawyer can tell you what applies in Missouri. For where to find those services locally, see Local Help for Hiring a Caregiver. If you have not yet set up the basic hiring steps, Start Here: Five Steps to Hiring covers the order to do them in.

Write this down before you close the sheet

Name the one person who will read the weekly sheet each month: ____________________

Name the bank contact who knows the account is being watched: ____________________

Name the next step if the sheet shows the same item twice: ____________________